I Now Pronounce You, Man and Wife – Discovering my sexuality
There are a lot of women out there who are married and bisexual – some may take it in their stride (kudos to them, you go girls!) while others may just ignore it and get on with their lives. I was one of those latter women. Yes, me. I’ll admit it… I wasn’t always proud to be bisexual.
I’ll say it again. I wasn’t always proud to be bisexual.
There was a time when I wanted to fit in. I was sure that with ignoring it, I could be normal. Being in a country town when I was in my late teens to mid-twenties, I was surrounded by people who were… well let’s say were not as open as one would have liked. I hate being judged, and in a small town… boy was there some mighty fine judging! I found that I could never fully relate, as much as I tried. So I did what every other person in the town did. I found a guy, had a kid and got married, all the while ignoring my sexual desires. He knew I was a little (a lot) attracted to girls but I didn’t mention it too much. It just didn’t seem right.
I was twenty-one when I got married. Twenty-one, naïve and stupid… I was still at the point in my life where I was finding myself; I ignored my sexuality for the idea of being ‘the perfect wife’. I remember in the early days, things were good. I was a doting wife, living in a country town where the idea was to have kids, be married and live for your family. It was what I thought I wanted. I was happy in my little married world. That is until it came to sex or masturbation. Yep. I was a ‘lesbian porn hiding and fantasising about them during sex’ type of wife and I masturbated so much because of my high sex drive that I’m surprised I didn’t damage myself! I was trying so hard to be the idea of a wife that I was hiding the real me. But back then, I didn’t know who the real me was.
Let’s fast forward to the six-month separation. I went a bit crazy having sex with random guys and was still ignoring my attraction to girls. One thing I learned was that sex is sex and I love it! I know there is stigma with having sex with too many people, but to be honest; I enjoy it, they enjoy it. There are no complications and I’m always careful so I don’t see anything wrong. I guess you could say it was my therapy and hey, it worked!
The Dating App
Then I ended up back in the arms of my husband to try again. I know, silly move. So we are back together, new baby on the scene and trying to be happy because of the kids. Next thing, I am thrown into chaos by the discovery of a dating app on his phone. Now, what do I do? Well, I decide to take this in my stride and use it as an opportunity.
We came across some swingers and I coaxed hubby to try. This might solve all of our problems! I like girls and guys; he likes girls, so it made sense. The swinging scene opened up a door to me. It made me realise that I wasn’t strange; there are so many types of people who like so many things. I found that I fit somewhere!
Then one night, hubby asked to go out, at a ridiculous time. I knew something was up. He told me he wanted to go see a girl on his own. I wasn’t fazed so off he went. This became the start of a ridiculously complicated open relationship that he ended up not being able to handle. I, on the other hand, loved it! As you know, I love sex and the thrill of being with someone else was great. But it was not meant to be.
I ended up realising what I always should have known; he wasn’t for me, and not just for these reasons. I would definitely swing again, but not have an open relationship. While I don’t blame that for my separation, I know that if I was with the right person, I wouldn’t need to be doing it. Separating is just something I had to do, for me and it has already opened new doors for me!
I don’t regret anything! I know that my experiences have helped me to realise who I am. I am a sex loving, bisexual woman who likes to try new things; there’s nothing wrong with that! I would love to be married again one day but I am never hiding the real me to do it. The man I will love is going to be open and accepting of my sexuality. But that is not anywhere in the near future so, in the mean time, I’m going to just have fun exploring my new world!